Haha I feel this is a love-it-or-hate-it scenario.

I’m on the “love it” train. Dehydrated durian is so addictive!

I found out about anxious preoccupied attachment and how it fits into some really upsetting, toxic behaviours I was catching myself in and which were upsetting me a lot, because I couldn’t understand what was happening. I’m now reading about it and its link to past trauma.

Understanding how it presents itself and why is my first step to overcome this!

It is a baby colossal squid. Only one foot long now, but the article mentions “they can reach lengths of 23 ft.”

Hell yes! Well done.

I’ve been walking so much recently, and then stopped for a couple of days and noticed my legs were so sore and painful.

Apparently my body’s got used to walking and it demands more. Guess it knows what is good for her!

Thanks for your comment. It was hard to explain the extend of it at that time.

I basically apologised for having said it hadn’t been worth it and how I needed time to process my emotions, and he replied saying that until I apologised and explained what I wanted, he had the right not to want to interact with me.

When I apologised again and explained why I’d said what I’d said, he once again made it about his feelings and asked for an apology and for an explanation. It was making me feel really confused and disoriented, and I had to listen to my audios a couple of times to make sure I’d said what I’d said.

After a Tuta vs Proton comparison, I went for the first because of their use of renewables, and I’ve been there for over a year now after fully ungoogling. Their search kind of sucks, but I feel they focus on creating a safe service with neat features, so I’m staying. I also combine it with SimpleLogin. Awesome service!

You are correct. Kindness comes naturally to me when directed towards others, but it’s always been a struggle to show it to myself.

Thank you. Here goes nothing 🌱

I see the truth in your words. Thank you. I guess in the end the only tool that’ll teach me how to redirect all that kindness towards myself is time and people’s scorn.

It is almost a full time job to create boundaries you were never taught, isn’t it?

Thanks again.

Thanks for your words – and no offence at all.

On previous breakups, I’ve always managed to talk things through to figure a good way to deal with our feelings. I put my priorities aside and offered my time and energy to soften the fall, but I guess this time it didn’t work because he really wasn’t willing.

He said himself he felt stupid for not even considering I wouldn’t want to see him again, so online friendship wasn’t really a real option for him. Never was.

Now I’m just trying to figure out how to redirect my need to support towards myself, and it’s being a struggle. It feels like going against my instincts.

But yeah. You are correct. It sucks for what was before.

Thanks for your comment!

Gaslighting is (as far as I learnt, and among other things) negating the other person’s feelings/reality and making it about your own.

And as I mentioned, it is not that I don’t see the unhealthy reaction my mind is having, it is that I don’t know how to break it.

I see I shouldn’t. I know he doesn’t deserve it. It just doesn’t click and never has, and I’m looking for tools to break this cycle once and for all.

I’ve tried to find how to mark this as NSFW via the Voyager app, because the Cursed Site™️ method doesn’t seem to work. I’ll log in from my computer and do it from there!